The Deaths of Ian Stone is a braindead horror fiasco, in which its main protagonist (played by Mike Vogel) is pursued by what looks like computer-generated vultures of death. These anonymous vultures attack Ian (for seemingly unknown reasons) and then murder him with a bunch of mystical swords, only to reincarnate him (using some kind of vulture-magic) so that the film doesn’t end after ten minutes. As Ian tries to work out why the vultures of death live in his socks, the plot becomes less and less coherent, as Matrix-like villains start appearing in ridiculous leather outfits with matching sunglasses.

Throughout the course of the film, Ian gets a bunch of twelve-inch needles pushed into his neck, a thousand razorblades dragged across his body, and his head tightened inside a giant metal clamp – but nothing too serious. After all, the moral of the story is something about “living every day like it’s your last” and in the spirit of that advice, I recommend you avoid The Deaths of Ian Stone with full fervour.