Mamma Mia! It is the script-challenged rehash of the jukebox-musical of the same name that throws together a “best-of” selection of ABBA’s pop hits with a flimsy plot and big-name cast, in a lowest common denominator attempt to attract a large (box office) audience.

However, to say that Mamma Mia! is script-challenged, is like saying that the victims of the Boxing Day tsunami experienced moisture related discomfort. The plot was so meandering, pointless and obvious that I thought I was re-watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, except Mamma Mia! only felt like it went for eleven hours. I’m not saying that this is the worst film that I’ve ever seen, but Colin Firth does appear to be trying to escape off of the side of the poster, and he’s the only slightly amusing thing in it.

This may be a rumour that I’m just starting now, but I’ve heard from sources that Mamma Mia! is so bad that Michael Bay accidentally added it to his resume. (Now the same joke, but for bigger film-nerds) Word on the grapevine is that Mamma Mia! is so poorly directed that Alan Smithee refused to have his name added to the credits.

I’d like to say that I’ve never been so bored in my life, but I can still remember high school; though at least I was able to sleep through that without being sonically abused by professional actors poorly lip-syncing to their own horrible recordings (Pierce Brosnan I’m talking to you).

As a film Mamma Mia! exists solely as a flimsy conceit that inserts dialog between the poorly staged song and dance numbers. Then when the film runs out of plot the songs keep going, hanging off of the end of the film as a reminder of how pointless the whole thing had been.

Perhaps the brilliant marketing ploy of putting an exclamation point in the title will generate some excitement, but inevitably watching Mamma Mia! is like being forced to sit through the unbearable home video of a wedding you didn’t want to go in the first place.

Mamma Mia! doesn’t rate any stars.