The Young Male Sales Assistant:
Stay the hell away from the ones with fancy facial hair. There’s a reason why the devil is always depicted with a goatee.

The Young Female Sales Assistant:
“No thanks, I’m just browsing. No, actually, I didn’t go to [insert name of Generic Megaclub] on the weekend, I went to see some friends play at my local. No, I’m not surprised you’ve never heard of it, you’ve never been past the doors of Bondi Westfield. Yes, I gathered that you like electro-house, but no I’m afraid I don’t lurve this song, I actually find it nauseating and it’s not doing my hangover any favours either. No, I don’t think Bob Sinclar is a genius, I actually think he’s a talentless French git with more ego and abs than music taste. Well, I was thinking about buying something but since you won’t shut the hell up I’m going to have to leave now. Good day.”

The Uni Student Part-Time Sales Assistant:
Look, I know that you’re anxious not to be thought of as a professional counter jockey, but that doesn’t mean you have to take feigning boredom and job-apathy into whole new realms of incompetence.

The Older Male Sales Assistant:
Excuse me, Gramps, but what’s with the snooty attitude? You’re not petit aristocracy (no matter what your fake accent might attest) - you sell off-the-rack suits. You can’t fool me, I know the reason for your high and mighty air is because you secretly realise that I earn twice as much as you and am half your age. Cut the bullshit and realise that whatever you might have once dreamt of becoming, you’ve ended up hocking over-priced clothes to people more successful than yourself.

The Older Female Sales Assistant:
Yes dear, I can see that your husband’s a lawyer and you’ve only taken this job for something to do during the day now the boys are off boarding at Knox - your lacquered coiffure and Botox cheeks made that plain from 20 feet away. But that doesn’t mean you can act like I’ve just stumbled into your Martha Stewart kitchen demanding a blowjob, all I asked was if you’ve got this in my size. Remember how that’s your job, assisting the customer? Perhaps all the Chanel Eau de Parfum has addled your mind so allow me to remind you – you’re a glorified checkout chick. Now bag my purchase before I finish bagging you.