For every metrosexual to emerge from the quagmire in the wake of ‘Queer Eye’ there’s at least ten who polish their shoes with their sleeve and think a polo shirt counts as formal wear.

For these guys fashion is something that happens to other people, so expecting them to know why a footy shirt is inappropriate for your cousin’s wedding is likely to end in disappointment and possibly an argument too.

So, for the benefit of taste-shy dudes all around the world, here are a few of the most basic of mistakes guys make when entering the frightening world of fashion.

Take note fellas, because as ZZ Top said in 1983, “Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man”

Too many colours
Sure it’s good to be windswept and interesting, but throwing colours together like you’re involved in some kind of Pro Hart experiment won’t make you a hit with the ladies. Stick to a maximum of three hues and don’t assume people won’t see your bright red socks.
Novelty accessories
There’s no point dressing up in your best outfit if you’re going to complete the package with a Flintstones tie or marijuana leaf cufflinks. Remember; the Phantom isn’t cool, Holden isn’t a designer label and that picture of Homer makes you look like The Pillsbury Doughboy is your hero.
Bad hair
Leave it alone, you don’t know what you’re doing. Simply manipulating the bit you can see so that it appears your forehead is vomiting spaghetti at the gods looks ridiculous from the front and downright offensive from the back. Ponytails are solid evidence of a recent taste bypass, and the mullet is about as attractive as a bowl of grilled zits.
Bad facial hair
Weird moustaches and dodgy dribble beards are like a drug to self-aware teenage boys but neither will scare off the chicks quite like the ‘I shave my sideburns to an inch higher than I should’ look that makes it seem like you’ve been storing a tube of hair removal cream behind your ear.
Labels and logos
Shelling out a fortune for the privilege of wearing a large advert on your chest makes about as much sense as paying someone to beat you up. Try to avoid clothes with random slogans such as ‘The Brownsville Chargers 66’ emblazoned in large letters across the back as it makes you sound like a 41 year old rent boy.
Stripes and plaid
Unless you thinking of running away to join the circus or like to have the word ‘eccentric’ used whenever you are referred to, don’t mix and match your fabric patterns. Krusty the Clown can occasionally pull it off but you can’t and shouldn’t want to. Stick to styles that don’t encourage epilepsy.
Too much cologne
Smelling like a prostitute’s window box is hardly likely to encourage respect from work colleagues and may also leave you clinically sterile. Being French helps, but you’re still better off having a wash once a week whether you need it or not.
Stains
Once your shirt starts to develop watermarks under the arms and brown stains around the neck, it’s time to either wash more regularly, head for the shops or stop going out socially. Also, when you have a cold, use a tissue where needed to avoid picking up the nickname ‘Silver Sleeves’.
Ill-fitting clothes
Close enough really isn’t good enough and even though you saved yourself a hundred bucks by borrowing a suit for your court case, the judge is going to know it’s not yours. Make yourself look slightly less guilty by appearing like you are capable of functioning inoffensively in society.
Wrong shoes
Girls will tell you that you can tell a lot about a guy by checking out his shoes, so while you might think you’re getting away with the suit pants and Blundstones ensemble, she’s thinking of you as a scruffy, soulless old boot. Going barefoot can also affect your chances of scoring, particularly if your forgotten toenails resemble a set of crooked piano keys.