It was once considered a major fashion faux pas to be seen wearing a pair in public, but in recent years the humble tracksuit pant has been freed from the confines of the gym and is now allowed to roam the streets, attached to the hides of those who should know better.

Our penchant for this accidental fashion statement has seen tracksuit pants taken to some new and rather stupid places…...

1. Fluro coloured
The domain of metrosexual footy-boy wannabes and private schoolgirls, fluro trackies are the slightly comfier (and equally ugly) version of the ridiculously bright skinny jeans favoured by the same types.

Frequently seen sporting zippered ankles and rolled down at the waistband - presumably so one can admire the wearer’s tanned washboard stomach.

2. Made of Velour
We have J-Lo to thank for this ‘classy’ take on the tracky-dack, prompting wannabe rich-bitch housewives to clamour for their own pair in chocolate brown, powder blue or baby pink.

Fat arse and massive hoop earrings mandatory.

3. Juicy
Call me prudish, but I reckon it’s a tad inappropriate when pre-teen girls are getting about with slogans suggestively emblazoned across their derrière.

Juicy Couture and Paris Hilton (that bastion of good taste and morality) spearheaded the slogan-on-arse movement that saw eight-year-olds hitting the street with ‘Hot Babe’ plastered across their rears. Tasteful.

4. Matching
Why tracksuit manufacturers deem it necessary to generate matching tops and bottoms is beyond me: since when have Frankstonites fretted over outfit cohesion?

Missy Elliot sported matching Adidas trackies for years, happily crumping away in her videos with the three stripes running from ankle to wrist - the difference being she gets paid for it, and you don’t.

5. Costly
Remember that Sports Mart ad where the kid doubles over with laughter when the old dude explains that his tennis racquet cost him 500 bucks, fella? If you’re spending the equivalent of a week’s pay on a pair of tracksuit pants, prepare to be mocked endlessly. And remember, we’re not jealous - we’re just not that stupid.

6. Able to double as leggings
Wearing a pair of super-tight trackies surely negates their main function of providing comfort. Simply doing away with underwear in the event of some VPL action just won’t cut it, and if you whack on a pair that’re so tight we can see your cellulite - take a hint and grab the size up. 

7. Buttoned from ankle to hip
If you’re relying on a handful of snap buttons to maintain the structural integrity of your pants, you’re probably going to find yourself in the shit sooner rather than later.

Unless it’s a job requirement to be able to fling your pants off quickly with a moderate level of flair (are you a Prince of the Night? No? Superman? No?) put them down and walk away. Now.

8. Worn with one leg rolled up
A few years back, some kids decided it looked more ‘gangsta’ to get about the ‘hood with one leg of their trackies rolled up.

Why being considered gangsta was so vital to a bunch of white suburban kids remains a mystery; even more so how rolling your pant leg up made you more gangsta in the first place.

9. Tucked into a pair of Ugg boots
If you’re a bogan and you know it, clap your hands! If you’re a bogan and you know it, clap your hands! If you’re a bogan and you know it, and you really wanna show it, if you’re a bogan and you know it, clap your hands. Alternatively, if you really, really want to show it, tuck the bottom of your trackies into your Ugg boots – you might as well be clapping and shouting about how boganic you are in the middle of the street.

10. A last resort
Trackies cater for both ends of the fashion spectrum: the perfectly coiffed who’d rather not look like they’ve made an effort, and those who’ve entirely given up on making one (housewives, the homeless, residents of Broadmeadows). That’s still no excuse for wearing track pants day in, day out. Quit being so lazy, get your arse to Savers and find yourself a pair of acid wash jeans for fifty cents. Those private school kids from the eastern suburbs’ll be lauding your fashion sense in no time.