It’s not a usual occurrence to arrive at a launch party and be told you have a disease. A disease that can’t be cured by a glass of champagne, or a change of outfit. No, this disease required a thorough medical examination, along with a much more exhilarating treatment.

Arriving at the launch of the new MINI Clubman, we were greeted by white lab-coated practitioners who thrust patient assessment forms into our hands and told us to “take them seriously, as you could be infected with Virus Normulus”. Fear (ok, amusement) set in as we started to tick several boxes: yes, I’ve used a remote to change the channel in the last 24 hours; yes, I’ve watched an American sitcom in that time frame; yes, I’ve typed the word “the” (being a journalist, there’s no escaping that one). Oh dear, these ticks are adding up.

Directed to triage, a nurse looked over our forms and found we were most unfortunately infected with the dreaded Virus Normulus. We were immediately ushered into the Clubmania Clinic facility (which, disturbingly, actually smelled like a hospital) and, three at a time, forced to undergo embarrassing medical checks. (One of my colleagues was asked how many MINI Clubmans she could see in an eye test, then was told to stand on one leg and repeat the test. “Oh dear, that’s very worrying,” uttered the examiner after she answered with the same number.)

It was official: we were all infected, and we needed to be cured. After downing a dose of medicine (raspberry syrup), we proceeded into the Clubmania drive facility, and this is where the real fun began. In pairs, we were strapped into a new MINI Clubman along with a very professional driver, who thrashed the little car with a lot of grunt around an obstacle course, which tested every aspect of its engineering.

Although this scribe will admit she doesn’t know much about cars, the Clubman possesses superb handling, turbocharged acceleration, and outstanding brakes (which were applied several times during the drive). It also features a six-speed transmission in both automatic and manual versions, and an engine which produces 128 kW* of power.

Aesthetically and practically, it provides more space for passengers due to its longer wheelbase; a “suicide” Clubdoor, which opens backwards to allow those in the back seats an easier entrance; and an optional sunroof, which is literally split equally between the front and back seats for maximum passenger fun.

Post-thrill ride, it was apparent we had been cured of the dreaded normal virus as guests gathered around and admired the shiny specimens, enjoying glasses of calming champagne. Unfortunately, they don’t warn you about the treatment’s side effect: that once you’ve seen what this MINI can do, you’ll want to take one home. It’s enough to make this sedate sedan driver contemplate a trade-in…

If you think you may have the normal virus, visit the National Bureau of Boredom Prevention HERE.

Prices for the MINI Cooper Clubman start at $34,400, and the MINI Cooper S Clubman from $43,200 (excluding stamp duty and dealer, statutory and on-road charges). For further information visit the MINI WEBSITE.

* Power output for the MINI Cooper S Clubman; the MINI Cooper Clubman produces 88 kW.