An insurance company in the UK has released the findings of a survey which examined 60,000 claims from holiday related disasters. It overlooked natural perils such as tsunamis and earthquakes, instead concentrating on what the locals are doing to make your stay as uncomfortable as possible.

Admittedly, most of the claimants were English, a country whose obnoxious travel etiquette goes all the way back to the heady days of Sir Walter Raleigh and Captain Cook. Who can blame an ex-colonial South African for wanting to beat up a cockney lobster wearing a football shirt, who talks to the natives like they’re a bunch of hairy savages.

And, as it only deals with overseas claimants, it doesn’t include that Bonnie Doon fishing trip you took with 12 tragic mates and a truck load of bourbon and coke.

So get your atlas out and draw a big black line through these countries………. 

THAILAND
Apparently this is the number one destination for Brits who are up for a bit of food poisoning, theft, traffic accidents and lost belongings. It’s a shame because the beaches are amazing, the weather’s great and if you like ping pong you’re sorted.
SOUTH AFRICA
Violent robberies are a speciality here, as is the ‘misappropriation’ of your valuables while you’re in transit. You can try to avoid this by not sleeping with local prostitutes and by keeping your cash in your underpants.
AUSTRIA
Always wondered what a broken leg feels like? Then tie strips of fiberglass to your feet and slide down an Austrian mountain while high on cheap Schnapps. There’s no better way of getting plastered (your leg, that is).
CZECH REPUBLIC
The streets of Prague are like pick-pocket nirvana, according to the survey. Secrete anything smaller than a grandfather clock about your person while you admire the historic buildings and it’s likely to be strapped to the wrist of a Czech Oliver Twist within the hour.
CARIBBEAN
Don’t forget you Baygon Creepy Crawly Spray……you’re gonna need it. Nowhere else in the world are you more likely to be bitten, stung, scratched or eaten, and often while you’re nowhere near a hospital. Perfect if you’re into shivering in bed for 3 months while an unidentified poison courses through your weary veins like second hand Drano.