Hi, reader, I`m Krankiboy. Not much gets by me that doesn`manage to piss me off or irritate me. Not you however. Something about the way you look at me tells me you`re my kind of person. You seem like a straight shooter who shuns the idea of following the herd and has earned a place at the cool kid's table.

I recently drove out of Los Angeles as fast as my piece of shit 1990 Honda Accord with one broken headlight could carry me*. "If you`ve ever spent any time in Los Angeles then you`ll understand why I have a few problems with the city and the lifestyle. If, on the other hand, you`re a huge fan of the Los Angeles way of life then I trust you won`t be offended because that means you`re not big on `the whole reading thing` and you`ll never see this anyway.

San Francisco is populated almost entirely by human beings who have read books. Los Angeles is populated by people who have heard of books but are waiting for the movie version. From time to time I've seen people in Los Angeles reading books, but I think the majority of those were tourists. Public transportation in Los Angeles is basically non-existent so if you live there and enjoy going to parties it`s essential to practice your drunk-driving skills. Last week I read a study which concluded that driving while using a cell phone affects your ability to drive as much as being mildly intoxicated. My favorites are the drunk drivers who also drive while using cell phones. Although, perhaps I`m wrong and the two impairments actually cancel each other out to make for a responsible and safe trip home.

Before I go too far astray with L.A. bashing I should say that there are some brilliant, thoughtful, down to earth people living in L.A. who aren`t selfless career climbers and star fuckers out to make a buck or a name for themselves at the expense of others. If any those 26 people would like to move up here to the Bay Area we`d be glad to have you. We`ll even clear out a big Victorian house that you can use as a communal home while you detox from the smog, narcissism and other Los Angeles poisons that have built up in your body.

Having spent 10 years in Hell-A I can tell you that tens of thousands of young women in Los Angeles have fake breasts. By contrast, my initial dating/sophisticated research♂ into this matter indicates that San Francisco women won`t even use fake sweeteners in their soy lattés. Before moving here I had no idea that so many things could even be organic let alone vegan. They have vegan bread, soy meat, Tofurkey, cookies, snack chips, vegan mayonnaise, even vegan cat food. I was out at Dolores Park with my dogs and when I stopped to read a little sign that said `This park bench was make from 100% recycled material and is entirely gluten-free` I was nearly hit by a low-flying vegan bird.

While L.A. recycles mainly movie plots, San Francisco recycles raw materials. Where L.A. has hot, blond girls with big boobs and deluded dreams S.F. has cool, brunette women with good jobs and noble aspirations. In San Francisco the women I've met have interests that require brain power. Somebody needs to tell the women of Los Angeles that text messaging, sunbathing, binging and purging are not legitimate hobbies.

Los Angeles has many exclusive gated communities that protect residents from what they call 'unsavory elements'☻. San Francisco has inclusive attitude and just one welcoming Golden Gate Bridge. The mentality is the more variety the better. It applies to people, culture, and religion. I have however seen city employees spraying subways for roaches, rodents and republicans.
In Los Angeles certain people are impressed by you if you own an expensive, top of the line sports car or luxury sedan. In San Francisco people are impressed if you sometimes have access to a car with gas. Here, simply owning a Vespa has been known to get some young men laid.
Craig's List is a big deal here in San Francisco. You can find listings from people seeking nearly everything; Jobs, love, parakeets, motorcycle parts, and nudist roommates. You can even barter your massage time with somebody who will teach you knitting. It's about people helping people and not always just to get off. Parks filled with smiling faces, kids, and dogs give SF a sense of community. It's a feeling that you can't replicate by sitting in bumper to bumper traffic behind the wheel of your brand-new Hummer.

Friscos, or San Franciscans (as nobody likes to be called because they both sound stupid) have a different set of values to their Southern California cousins. Setting yourself apart and wearing something eclectic is considered far better than wearing the latest brand name design. Here people appreciate the charm of having Mom and Pop stores, so there are still many of these around. You can easily find half a dozen quirky coffee places for every one Starbucks. Last I checked in Los Angeles they were finalizing plans to place a giant Starbucks Cup Dome over the entire city. Angelinos, be sure to ask for whip cream on top, that could make things fun.
I can`t say much about the availability and quality of illegal drugs in the two cities because I`m a pure vessel of the lord. I am fully aware of the evil that drugs can cause. It also doesn`t help that after back alley sessions the hookers never share their stash with me.

I`m headed down to the local market now to trade my old L.A. cell phone in for a new fully organic one. I`ll be back to share more experiences as a Golden Gatecrasher. I'm brand spanking♥ new to the city and eager to nestle my head into the warm, (non-silicon) bountiful bosom of beautiful San Francisco.

* For any police reading this that speed never exceeded the posted legal limit.
♂”Can I touch your boobies?  Please, it’s research for an article.”   
☻ Mexicans, blacks and Jews.
♥ Yeah, you like that?  Say my name.    
 

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