There’s a phobia for everything these days. Rather than accepting responsibility for icky behaviour, it’s far more appropriate to invent a psychological disability to justify your bad brains and potty mouth. That way you can continue along your merry way, untouched by criticism, with a healthy mix of genetics and circumstance tipping the sympathy scales in your favour.
OK, so it’s generally accepted that these are, alongside depression and chronic fatigue syndrome, real conditions with real victims. The poor folk who suffer from these crippling phobias often lead quite uncomfortable lives and shouldn’t be laughed at or ridiculed. It’s not clever to poke fun at the less fortunate and if you do believe in a god, he probably tries not to rip the piss out of his people just because they turn out to be freaks and weirdoes.
But that said……..
Fuck, there are some funny ones. Here is a collection of our top 20 leftfield fears, in no particular order (alphabetical filing makes me nervous). Feel free to add to the list, unless of course you have a fear of the English language, the internet or the sight of your own fingers. Enjoy.
Aerophobia: Fear of swallowing air
Makes perfect sense if you’re a goldfish, but slightly more annoying if you’re a mammal.
Barophobia: Fear of gravity
Ensures most of your income is spent on helium balloons and space travel.
Genuphobia: Fear of knees
Don’t forget to bend at the ……..aaaaggghhh!!!!!
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words
A phobia where the solution is also the problem. Thanks Doc.
Aibohphobia….fear of palindromes
Ditto. Good word though.
Ophthalmophobia: Fear of opening one's eyes
If you’re already scared of the dark, this one’s a bitch.
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions
The fence-sitter’s phobia. Hard to get advice for this one without losing the plot.
Cherophobia- Fear of gaiety
A fear of cheerful people, particularly during Mardi Gras.
Coprastasophobia- Fear of constipation
Do what mathematicians do…..work it out with a pencil.
Cyprinophobia - Fear of prostitutes
Some people overcome this fear by murdering one and burying their body in a shallow grave.
Aulophobia: Fear of flutes
What, swallowing one? Maybe it’s a fear of the hippies who play them.
Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch
Stoners in clogs are not scary, but some of their porn definitely is.
Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing or having an erect penis
What a load of old cock.
Kyphophobia- Fear of stooping
Don’t let the doctor tell you he’s bending over backwards to help.
Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic
Fairly common amongst vampires, rare in France.
Menophobia- Fear of menstruation
If you have this phobia I just hope you’re a guy.
Uranophobia- Fear of heaven
They must mean the gay nightclub in London. It is pretty dodgy.
Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking
Just try not to think about it.
Proctophobia- Fear of rectums
The opposite of crack addiction.
Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens
Apparantly a problem for Colonel Sanders until he eased his concerns by killing millions of chooks every year and serving them up with a non-specific gravy substitute.
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