1. Big Brother will be back next year
Good news if you’re Gretel, great news if you’re a bogan. But it’s shitty news if you think watching slutty rednecks arguing over the toothpaste is about as much fun as having worms. Surely by now the social experiment should be reaching some sort of conclusion, having proven beyond doubt that being an idiot is no barrier to TV celebrity.
Solution: Sometime before next March, set fire to your living room and buy yourself a book.
2. Kate Moss doesn’t know who you are
It matters not one bit that Ms Moss is feeling vulnerable following her well publicized bust up with pill-poppin Pete, she’s still not going to call. Not for a chat, not to arrange drinks, and not to get the number of you closest drug dealing mates. She’s got her own chums, sorry.
Solution: Try taping a large picture of Kate’s head onto a bag of marshmallows and crack open the cocaine.
3. The Hanson Box Set you put on Ebay isn’t going to sell
It seemed like such a good investment when you were in JB Hifi after a messy afternoon on the sherbets. But the novelty wore off the minute these cheesy brothers discovered acne and stopped looking like girls.
Solution: Withdraw the offer, bury all evidence in the garden and never admit to owning Mmm..Bop again.
4. Alcohol won’t make you more attractive
This one is a real shame. On a Friday night out, surrounded by your favourite tipple team, it seems impossible that anyone of the opposite sex would be able to resist your kebab stained clothes and vodka flavoured breath. But some people are just funny like that. 
Solution: Start taking heroin so you’re not interested in sex either.
5. Everyone else understands Sudoku
As puzzles go, this one’s quite annoying. Especially if everyone around you, from your 7 year old niece to the hobo scrounging ciggies outside Coles, is chuckling knowingly as they place the last number in their stupid fucking box.
Solution: Design your own version of the game where nothing has to add up and you score extra points for quitting early.
6. Harry Potter isn’t real
Sorry kids, but it’s all a load of bollocks. Consult your Acme book of Physics and you’ll discover that flying on broomsticks without an engine is highly unlikely and maintaining a teenager’s interest throughout five lengthy adventures is completely implausible.
Solution: Steal the book off the internet and move on to a more realistic hobby.
7. Nicole Richie is pregnant
Not so much inconvenient as down right wrong. The morning after pill wasn’t an option for this Hollywood road kill as it would have meant actually swallowing something solid. So now, with a defenseless little snotter on the way, Nicole’s gearing up to replace drugs with bubs.
Solution: Let her off the drink driving charge and she’ll never mention it again.
8. Nostalgia’s not what it used to be
It doesn’t matter if you can remember when this was all fields, nobody gives a fuck. In the modern world, all you have to do is stand still for too long and someone will come along and concrete over your toes.
Solution: Invent an eternal youth elixir, wait 50 years so your kids belief system is outdated too, then say “I told you so”.
9. You can’t make an omelette without breaking wind
Or is it eggs? I forget now, but the point is making an omelette isn’t easy.
Solution: Eat out.

10. Al Gore isn’t the president
Why did he wait until after the US elections to start staging rock concerts and connecting with ‘the kids?’ Unfortunately now we’re stuck with goofy George Dubya, while the good option fills his days preaching to the converted.
Solution: Pretend Global Warming is a hoax and ignore it.