We’re good at it
If it involves a physical and emotional battle, the Aussies are right up for it. Bollocks to caring and sharing….give us the gold and fuck off.

Spunky Bodies
It’s rare for people to sing the national anthem while standing on a podium in their undies. But the swimming trials alone present the perfect opportunity to perv on the best camel-toe and budgie-smuggling outfits the world has to offer.
Drug Cheats
Admit it, you love hearing yet another weight-lifter from Eastern Europe has been found to be chocka-block full of illegal hooch. Even better when they’re whisked away from the press conference under a blanket of shame, despite their face being plastered all over the papers.
World Records
It would be better if they included ALL the records, but I guess competing for the World’s Tallest Man isn’t very exciting. But what about the guy who ate an entire tractor over the course of an otherwise uneventful 6 months ? Surely he should get a guernsey.
Opening/Closing Ceremonies
Completely absurd but still good. If you turn down the sound and crank up some Frank Zappa the effect is even better, particularly if you’re blind drunk and shouting obscenities at the TV. But yet again Australia takes the gold, with a ridiculous kangaroo routine that will embarrass us all for decades to come.
Uniforms
This year the Australian athletics team decided to own its colourful past, so commissioned outfits that screamed CONVICT in big fat horizontal stripes. Other countries with longer histories and less convictions stuck to more traditionally impractical designs, finished off with big hats and cheesy grins.

Presenters
The Olympics is hard for these suited monkeys ‘cos they didn’t exactly start off as brainiacs. Once they’ve been treated to an unpronounceable foreign name, a couple of mis-timed segues and a dash of memory loss the cheese really starts to slip from the biscuit. A pleasure.

The Duds
For every champion going for gold there’s at least 8 others who would be better off going for a beer. Of course you won’t know anything about them because they’re not Aussies. And if they are you still won’t know because we’re not interested in losers.
Shit sports
Come on, let’s face it….synchronised swimming isn’t sport. Nor are the horsey dressage or shooting, both of which involve sitting on your arse for a bit and not much more. Diving is OK because it sometimes goes wrong, but tell me you like badminton and I’m gonna tell you to get fucked.

It only happens every 4 years
OK, so we said we loved the event, but that doesn’t mean we want to marry it. After 2 weeks watching buff retards running around in circles it’s time for something a little more highbrow. Brat Camp anyone?