Spewing. Barfing. Upchucking, downtowning, saying hello to God on a big white telephone.

Call it what you will, hurling one’s guts up is a champion way to impress the gang. But sometimes the sheer options available can be bewildering, especially in social settings like wedding receptions when all eyes are upon you and your performance must be at its peak.

Here at thescene.com, we understand that spewing like Bon Scott is no easy task. So, we have produced for you the definitive guide to the wonder that is the chunder. You’ll be chunking like a pro in no time.

THE SWAN
The Swan is by far the most technically challenging of the regurgitation repotoire. To be completed successfully, one must have complete mastery over pressure, angle and duration.

Thrust your shoulders back. Visualise literally ‘throwing’ the vomit into the air and keep your feet planted for stability. Nothing ruins a Swan like a wobbly trajectory. Your timing must also be spot on. Go for maximum pressure first and let it trail off. This will result in a meaty thump as the stream hits the floor and a refined, lingering finish, both of which are central to an impressive chuck.

THE PILEDRIVER
This is your power move. The Piledriver is the one spew guaranteed to please the crowd and when performed properly it can be a brutal display of strength.

The Piledriver involves vomiting at an angle directly perpendicular to the ground, from a range of less than two feet. Resting your elbows on your knees will align the digestive tract perfectly to allow for minimum impedance. Resist attempts to groan as high velocity chunks of pizza flap your vocal chords like beefsteaks in a wind tunnel - the power of the Piledriver will speak for itself. Successful completion will result in a sunburst effect on the parking lot concrete.

FOUR ON THE FLOOR
Four On The Floor is the most common display barf. It consists of you on your hands and knees hurling for all you’re worth. Easy? Think again.

Traditionally, Four On The Floor has been touted as a good mainstay when your form is off, but modern thinking holds that the complexities of angle and timing make this the easiest to learn, yet fiendishly difficult to master. Try to achieve the ‘stutter’ effect where the main body of your technicolour yawn is split evenly into four or five evenly spaced bursts. This will allow the line of your torso to hold the classic box shape without contorting in effort.

 

THE WALRUS
This is not for the faint hearted. You must resist the urge to open your mouth and instead redirect the stream through your flared nostrils. Be absolutely sure you don’t ‘double up’ and allow the vomit to exit the mouth as well.

While many claim the Walrus to be a boutique move, cute if you will, the reality is that successfully pulling off a Walrus will engended respect with you peers and will get garner drunken, decadent sex for both guys and girls within seconds. Snorting back leftover chunks and spitting them out with a steely grimace will put the perfect finishing touch to your display.

 These are just four of the myriad spews available. Don’t be afraid to experiment.

Mix the Walrus with the Swan, for example, or play around with asymmetrical lines. Use this as a rough guide only; spews are open to interpretation and no two people spew alike. Discover which barf speaks to you and be proud of your form.