Please excuse the bad spelling and incomplete sentences.

Because last night, charged up on a mix of cheap wine and misplaced enthusiasm, I pushed myself way too close to the edge. I stumbled around free of purpose and grace, temporarily unaware of the consequences that follow a night spent drinking enough alcohol to fell a large ox.

So, in an attempt to look busy while I lick my wounds, I’ve been surfing the net for the World’s Best Hangover Cures. Listed below are the most popular remedies, including a personal assessment of a few I tried this morning.

Again, sorry if it goes off on a tangent occasionally. But you try penning a literary masterpiece when less than 4 hours ago you were chatting up a dodgy old minga and dropping bad pizza down your beer stained shirt.

	Cold Pizza The only reason this gets included on the list is because it’s solid and it’s there. No medicinal benefits whatsoever, unless you’re a fan of the “better out than in” school of thought.
	Bananas The fructose and potassium contained in a banana replace lost goodness, while the natural antacid helps with the nausea and vomiting (too late for me, but worth writing down).  There’s also a swag of magnesium in every bite, which can help bring the feeling back to your head.
	Berocca Replacing lost vitamin B obviously helps, but trying to do so while hungover is like slipping on a post coital condom. The trick is to get into it before you start, but people who plan ahead don’t get completely munted on school nights, so catch 22.
	Chocolate milk Some people swear by it, others (and it turns out I’m one of them) tend to respond with a large spew and a dizzy spell. The sugar will help perk you up, but not necessarily in a good way. And the milk will line your stomach, exactly 12 hours after it would have helped.
	Coke No, not the powdered variety, although that would be much more likely to lift your spirits. The fizziness combats the nausea, while the sugar and caffeine create an unsustainable euphoria followed by depression and paralysis.
	Coffee Google “short term solution” and you’ll be taken straight to a coffee site. A bit like coke but with the added bonus of terminal dehydration, this is the worst possible answer to a hangover. It’s also the first one to try.
	Asprin Tackles the symptoms and not the cause, which is good enough for me. Anything that stops you from feeling like you’re hosting a basketball match between your ears is helpful, and the placebo effect is a comforting bonus.
	Fried food You won’t get one from the heart foundation, but I’m giving this option a big fat tick of approval. Food comes in handy whatever the circumstances, as it increases the metabolism and hurries up the healing process. But deep fry it and you’ve discovered some kind of post-alcoholic alchemy.
	Bloody Mary It basically more alcohol, this time cunningly disguised amongst leafy vegetables and healthy juices. Instead of adding Tabasco and pepper, try filling your mouth with petrol and striking a match, it’s exactly the same. And forget Virgin Mary’s as the lack of vodka reminds you how bad this stuff actually tastes.
	Hot Bath If you’re game to try this, make sure someone’s there for when you pass out and start to drown. Handy if you think it’s all too much and decide to kill yourself, but that’s not exactly a cure, now is it?

One for luck…

And here’s an honorable mention for my wayward father. His screwy genes may be the reason I got into this mess in the first place, but he swears he knows how to shake the monkey from your back. Remember this is my role model.

“Dissolve 4 Alka Seltzer tablets in a schooner of red wine. Drink it down in one go, then go back to bed with your clothes on.”

Thanks for that Dad, you crazy motherfucker (no really, he is).