Ever since Johnny Howard and his henchmen took charge of Australia back in the 90s, being on the dole has become a very popular pastime. These days everyone from pilots to postmen can be found queuing outside the post office for a fortnightly handful of rotten beans, and the craze is growing faster than my “people I’m going to kill come the revolution” group on Facebook.

OK, so being unemployed may not be conducive to healthy eating and getting laid, but it’s sure handy when it’s Monday morning and you can’t be arsed to get out of bed.

Here’s our list of suggestions for when you find yourself out of work and kicked to the kerb, girlfriend.

Get a sneaky job
Let’s face it, for most of the tattooed freaks who sign up every Thursday,  ‘dole cheque’ actually equates to ‘hospitality wage supplement’. This means that all the cash they earn pouring beers at the local pub on the weekends can be spent on pills and bad haircuts, while the government foots the bill for rent and back-dated parking fines.
Watch Springer
If you’re feeling a bit down and undervalued as lunchtime approaches, try tuning in to an episode of Springer for some immediate self-elevation. As long as you’re over 3 feet high, subscribe to just one gender and avoid sexual relations with anyone who shares your family tree, you’re going to feel a lot better about yourself within the hour.  Where the fuck do they find these people?
Smoke bongs
It’s only marijuana’s ability to mess with the space-time continuum that allows potheads to get through their day without feeling bored. The midday movie, usually a cheesy tale regarding  young mother’s battle to save her kids from evil, would kill most teenagers if they didn’t use the time to pull on a couple of cones and have a wank.
Grow your hair
Just because you can really. While you’re wasting your time working as a teller at the local bank you’ll never be allowed to push ahead with that ‘troubled genius’ look you always wanted. Having long hair also help others identify your new found position as ‘King of the Lazies’.
Sleep in
Clocks change when you don’t have a job and getting to sleep before 5am is just about impossible when you haven’t done anything to make you tired in several weeks. Not that you’d know that when it’s midday on Tuesday and you’re struggling to climb out of a bed covered in chip crumbs.
Sell your car
Well, you’ve run out of options when it comes to socializing, and even if you could think of somewhere to go, you probably couldn’t afford the petrol. The only down side to flogging the only thing you’ve ever owned is that you’re going to be screwed when the landlord ejects you from your house, citing unpaid rent issues. I mean, where the fuck are you going to live?
Lower your standards
Picking half sucked ciggie butts from the bin seems excessive when you’re on the way to your accounting job. But go a couple of days without a smoke and you’ll be rummaging through moldy food wrappers and deadly syringes before you can say “ain’t life juts one big bowl of cherries”
Read comics
You’re not properly unemployed until you know the names of every single one of Superman’s sidekicks. Or, if you’re not so keen on the animated characters, opt for the slightly more wooden genius of daytime soap operas. Either way, your brain will be sufficiently anesthetized so as to be able to handle the monotonous grind that is now your life.
Surf porn
Nothing passes the time like a fiddle in the downstairs toyshop. Simply log on (if you haven’t been cut off yet) and get busy with imaginary friends of any shape, size, gender or species. Remember to close the curtains though, as the local peeping Toms are not quite so keen if you’re on your own.
Get into astral travel
Close your eyes and imagine yourself lying on a tropical beach, surrounded by lashings of icy cold cocktails and a bevy of sexy men/women pandering to your every whim. Then open your eyes and hey presto! Within a fraction of a second you’ll be transported straight back to the inside of your dank and depressing bedroom.